DisabledMama

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  • 31st December
    2013
  • 31
I saw this on my dashboard today.  I know that it’s on there because it’s Christmas and the whole tree thing.
But.
I’ve heard those words.
I’ve had friends look me in the eyes and tell me that their cancer, unlike my own, is now all over there body.
Every time I see those words I think of the boys that came into my life and said those words.  They were boys, they didn’t get to be men and that is heartbreaking to me, even 10 and 15 years later.  
I really don’t think unless you grew up a cancer kid, unless you watched someone go through the pain of winning once only to be given a second more crappy hand later, that you can understand how much those words hurt.
I listened to The Fault in Our Stars shortly after Eleanor was born while I was working out.  It was my motivation to hit the gym, but probably not the best choice of a hormonal, post-partum cancer kid, I remember hearing those words while rowing on the rowing machine.  I stopped, dropping the pulley and audibly gasped.  I’m sure those working out around me thought that I was hurt and I was, but not in the physical sense.  I was hurt in the heart and I was instantly taken back to each instance I heard similar words.
And oh, how it hurt.  
Even now, when I have a lovely life, a wonderful husband and beautiful children, those words still broke my heart and I grieved.

I saw this on my dashboard today.  I know that it’s on there because it’s Christmas and the whole tree thing.

But.

I’ve heard those words.

I’ve had friends look me in the eyes and tell me that their cancer, unlike my own, is now all over there body.

Every time I see those words I think of the boys that came into my life and said those words.  They were boys, they didn’t get to be men and that is heartbreaking to me, even 10 and 15 years later.  

I really don’t think unless you grew up a cancer kid, unless you watched someone go through the pain of winning once only to be given a second more crappy hand later, that you can understand how much those words hurt.

I listened to The Fault in Our Stars shortly after Eleanor was born while I was working out.  It was my motivation to hit the gym, but probably not the best choice of a hormonal, post-partum cancer kid, I remember hearing those words while rowing on the rowing machine.  I stopped, dropping the pulley and audibly gasped.  I’m sure those working out around me thought that I was hurt and I was, but not in the physical sense.  I was hurt in the heart and I was instantly taken back to each instance I heard similar words.

And oh, how it hurt.  

Even now, when I have a lovely life, a wonderful husband and beautiful children, those words still broke my heart and I grieved.

(Source: notkatniss, via bravesimon)

  • 22nd December
    2013
  • 22

In Response…

We are still sick here. So much so that I’m calling the ped tomorrow morning to discuss the fact that Eleanor has been on antibiotics for nearly 22 days and is still pulling on her ear. I’m then going to beg for a re-check BEFORE we leave to Georgia. I’d like to know if we’re looking at tubes in the New Year.

I read this: http://www.dailylife.com.au/life-and-love/parenting-and-families/the-best-icebreakers-for-girls-20131217-2zill.html

As a mom to two girls, I hear this everyday. I get stopped in the grocery store or wherever we happen to be out. I know that people want to mostly let me know that they see us and that the girls are fairly well behaved, but I wish they would talk about something other than their looks.
I find myself always reiterating to my girls that they are smart and kind, not just pretty. I want them to be good human beings, not pretty girls.
On another tangent all together, I was young when I was amputated. The “You’re such a pretty girl” comments stopped as soon as my hair fell out and my leg was gone. I mean, cold turkey stopped. I didn’t make this connection until reading the article, but they did. Am I no longer pretty because I have one-leg? Am I no longer valued as a woman because I have one-leg? When it is the only way society shows value to girls by objectifying them, those of us who are considered “abnormal” are left in the cold.
Instead of hearing how pretty I was I got the “You’re an inspiration” bit. I’m still not sure how to respond to that complement. Most of the time I just say I’m just living life, because I am. I am just making it a day at a time. I do what every other mom in the world does, I take care of my kids. I drive my SUV to school, I drag my infant on too many errands and pray she naps at some point in the day.
If I inspire you to pick up a pen and write a check to a childhood cancer research organization, AWESOME. If I inspire you to try and live your dreams, WAHOO. But, I’m still not sure that you aren’t just calling me pretty. Objectifying my disability in a way you know how.

  • 19th December
    2013
  • 19
elainalosersmith:

GUYS, IT’S ANOTHER TUMBLR GIVEAWAY
♡ giving away: one $100 e-giftcard to ModCloth ♡
Come and celebrate the end of this year with me! This giveaway ends on New Year’s Eve at midnight of course, and it’s the second installment of the Countdown to the New Year giveaways!
All you have to do to enter is reblog this post; each reblog equals one entry!
Rules: 
- no giveaway blogs
- max. of 5 entries a day per blog
If you haven’t entered in the big New Year’s giveaway, then click here to do so! Don’t miss out; there are six more giftcards being given away!
And if you can’t quite wait for New Year’s Eve, then you can always sign up using ModCloth’s friends program to get $15 off your purchase when you sign up for a new account.
Hope the rest of your year goes splendidly, and good luck! - E

I’m running out of clothes for all of these work functions I now have to go to for Jason.

elainalosersmith:

GUYS, IT’S ANOTHER TUMBLR GIVEAWAY

giving away: one $100 e-giftcard to ModCloth

Come and celebrate the end of this year with me! This giveaway ends on New Year’s Eve at midnight of course, and it’s the second installment of the Countdown to the New Year giveaways!

All you have to do to enter is reblog this post; each reblog equals one entry!

Rules:

- no giveaway blogs

- max. of 5 entries a day per blog

If you haven’t entered in the big New Year’s giveaway, then click here to do so! Don’t miss out; there are six more giftcards being given away!

And if you can’t quite wait for New Year’s Eve, then you can always sign up using ModCloth’s friends program to get $15 off your purchase when you sign up for a new account.

Hope the rest of your year goes splendidly, and good luck! - E

I’m running out of clothes for all of these work functions I now have to go to for Jason.

(via alyjack80)

  • 16th December
    2013
  • 16
  • 9th December
    2013
  • 09
  • 6th December
    2013
  • 06

fishingboatproceeds:

to-witness-my-fitness:

sandandglass:

Diane Ravitch on The Daily Show. 

Ravitch is the queen. If only the government would listen…

We would also address poverty directly. We would increase the minimum wage and make post-secondary education cheap or free, and we’d improve improve unemployment benefits and offer free job-training to the unemployed. 

Poverty is one of the few social ills where throwing money at the problem really does seem to work.

These are not radical, liberal ideas. In fact, in Europe most of them are associated with the more conservative parties, and many of them were associated with the American Republican party in the 80s. But the United States’s political climate is so different from anywhere else in the industrialized world that I fear we will just continue to get farther behind in education (and in % of people living in poverty) until we decide to make some big domestic investments.

(via rainbowrowell)

  • 5th December
    2013
  • 05

More? Really?

Great friends from Atlanta came to visit us after Thanksgiving! It was so special and fun! Kennedy was thrilled to be reunited with her sweet friend and I was happy to see mine.

Stacy and Marinn came and we just hung out.  We ate.  We took the girls to the local children’s museum… a place I will never go again.  We went on Saturday.

Monday morning at 3:00 AM Eleanor woke up throwing up.  Babies with stomach viruses are simply the worst.  They keep looking at you wondering why their body hates them.  She was pitiful.  I took her downstairs, bathed her off and held her the rest of the night while she slept (and puked and slept and puked).  I didn’t go back to sleep.  She was still out of sorts on Tuesday, but seemed to be on the mend.

Tuesday Kennedy had her first night of swimming lessons.  I had Eleanor on me instead of checking her into the childcare because I didn’t want to be the parent that brings their sick kid to the YMCA.

Kennedy then pukes all over the bathroom (on my new friend, who handled it with such amazing grace and laughter).  I was still that parent. Sorry to anyone else at the YMCA that catches this quick, but disgusting bug.

Jason then gets it Wednesday morning.

I am left unscarred (except covered in throw-up).

Today I took Eleanor for her 9-month-check up.  We discovered that her ear is infected (again) and that she’s lost enough weight that they’re going to re-check her weight in two weeks.  Everyone seems to think it’s from her being sick lately, but better safe than sorry.

As I told my friend Anne today, our lives are never boring.

**this post is brought to you by my newly fixed computer… Thank you Apple Hospital***

  • 21st November
    2013
  • 21

Eleanor Joy

  Eleanor has been sick.  Last week I was at my writing group when my sitter called to say that Eleanor had started coughing so much that she had puked.  Needless to say that chapter didn’t get finished.  The next morning I took her to visit her new pediatrician.  I expected a pat on the head and to be told she had a cold.  Instead I was told she had pneumonia, an ear infection and the beginning of pink eye.  

  These things mean that Eleanor has not been sleeping well.  She has resorted to her newborn sleeping pattern and it has been miserable.  Ever couple of hours she’s woken up because of coughing fits. No amount of babyrub or her vaporizer helped at all.  It was just gross.  

  All of this has got me thinking.

  I am so grateful for our little Eleanor.  

  So grateful for her never ending amount of energy, sense of adventure, fearlessness and absolute joy of life.  

  I wish I could be half as happy as she is every.single.morning.  She wakes up and is just so happy that she bounces when I walk in her room.  She smiles, her two little bottom teeth shining and a happy grin plastered across her face.

  Even though she has been very sick this past week, her smile and fearlessness has never faltered.  She learned to pull up, cruise on furniture and go from laying to sitting up.  She is ever the ambitious one.

  I was watching her attempt some dangerous feat this week and I laughed.  i wish I had the time and energy to write a blog just for Eleanor.  She does these funny things everyday and does it such cheerfulness. I could fill pages with the silly things she does. 

  Eleanor Joy is just that- a joy.  She makes our house busy and our hearts full.  I would be so bored without her everyday.  So bored.

  • 10th November
    2013
  • 10

Dear Teenagers

I read a Tumblr entry I follow that talked about homework and how it screwed up a weekend… I vividly remember putting off my homework until the last possible second… not even glancing at a text book until Sunday night around 8 or whatever… 

Sadly, I never learned my lesson.

I’m now doing laundry on Sunday and started it at 7:30.  

So, Teenagers of Tumblr…. Homework just turns into laundry.

  • 5th November
    2013
  • 05

NaNo Update

We had a wedding this last week so my NaNo word count is lower than I would like.  But, my mom is staying with me in NC for a bit so I’m able to write more than usual.  It’s nice, but like exercise I’m having to stretch those muscles again.  I think it’s also a little harder for me because I’m re-working a past NaNo project (but, writing new words for it, only new words count towards my total).

Here’s a sample.

“I’ll never lie to you, Cason.”  He closed the iPad and looked at her with his clear, blue eye and bushy eyebrows that were so wild they made Cason think of a mad scientist.  “But, right now I don’t have all of the information.  We’ll know more after Dr. Lee does the biopsy and we get those results.”

“So, maybe?”

“Maybe.” He agreed.  “But, I don’t want you to ever think that just because someone says you won’t be able to do something that you can’t do it.  There’s something in the DNA of you guys that makes you beat the odds.”

“You guys?”

“Cancer kids.”

“Ugh, I am not a Hallmark movie.” 

Dr. Henderson laughed, a full-bodied laugh.  “Cason, I think you’re going to do just fine.”